Friday, May 8, 2009

Piggy's got the Flu

It's not what you might think. Despite recent interaction with people newly returned from Mexico, I haven't come down with the H1N1 "swine" flu (and neither have they). What I'm suffering from is an entirely different animal: the K1P1 virus.

As a public service, Piggy brings you the draft Wikipedia entry:

While not over-reported to the point of inducing mass hysteria, K1P1 flu is nonetheless a serious concern to a statistically small, but significant (and growing) segment of the population. This virus pays no heed to international borders, and can attack people of all ages, creeds and economic backgrounds. To date, females are disproportionately affected; however, the number of males succumbing to the disease is on the rise.

K1P1 is a particularly insidious virus that is almost impossible to contain. Unlike H1N1, it requires absolutely no physical contact to be transmitted from one victim to another; indeed, the majority of reported cases have been traced to activity on the Internet.

Further exacerbating the pandemic is the ease and speed with which the K1P1 virus mutates. One particularly insidious strain, K1P1 Noro Whoro, has been reported in 4,566 patients to date since 2007. (It is suspected the true number is far higher, as many patients are embarrassed to come forward).

The most common symptoms at presentation are stiff, aching joints of the hands; and mild-to-moderate periods of ennui. In more serious, prolonged cases, psychological symptoms are more pronounced, including an irrational fear of small needles and, in rare situations, the loss of the will to live. (Medical professionals are strongly advised to confiscate any folding scissors found in their patients' bags).

Fortunately, while prevention is next-to-impossible, the K1P1 virus, if caught early, is curable in 100% of cases. Treatment is simple: patients should follow a balanced diet including plenty of K1, rep to end, either straight or round and round.

Whew. A bit scary, but with just a bit of effort, it's easy to get healthy and stay healthy. Fortunately, Piggy is not suffering from the Noro Whoro strain of the virus, but the Hogwarts strain, substrain Ravenclaw.

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It's still early days for me, but I'm planning to follow medical advice and add some other stuff to my diet this weekend, so I should be feeling better next week.

Stay healthy, piggies.

5 comments:

  1. Very nice! I've had that Noro Whoro flu for like 5 years. Cannot shake that baby no matter what. ;) You keep healthy, lots of fluids (gin), plenty of rest (on the couch with your knitting), and lots of good bracing food (chocolate bonbons).

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  2. I've been taken down by the Inside-Outside strain of the virus. It involves two self-striping colors and some knit-one-below shenanigans... It's going around!

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  3. Hope you get to feeling better soon :) or not? Hmmm. Now I'm confused.... Anyway, just wanted to say hello and tell you how much I love reading your blog! Too, too funny!

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  4. K1P1 virus...brilliant! lol

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